Its crazy...when you finally understand something you thought you understood. When you actually mean something you thought you meant. When you really want something you thought you wanted all along. When things just aren't working...when they don't add up...might I suggest that you weren't doing all the things you thought you were? I realize that I'm being more generic than ibuprofen on the shelf at walmart. But...he who has ears to hear, will hear. I can't tell you much, but, there was so much in my life that I thought I knew about myself. I thought I had the right attitude on things, I thought. Then, then I ran face first into God. You know, that guy who made the universe. I thought I knew God. In fact I would venture to say I did. I think I had some kind of estranged step-parent/only talk to you on my birthday kind of relationship. I thought I knew what I wanted in life. I thought I knew what GOD wanted for me in life. Then, in His infinante wisdom, He decided that it was time for me to make a shift. He showed me that all the things I thought I was keeping myself "safe" from were just my meathods of staying away of things I was afraid of. All the things I thought I was avoiding because item was the "good, Christian, moral" thing to do, he showed me I was afraid of those things too. Then he crushed me. Like, obliterated me. That monster under the bed that I'd been baracading myself up against for so so long, that I'd worked so hard to stuff deep under the bed so that it could never find me, he let it out. Like, I woke up one morning to the monster chilling on the foot of my bed watching me wipe the drool off me face. So I tried to put him back under the bed. Then I woke up the next day to find the monsted standing by my nightstand, elbows on the bed propping up its unbearable face. So I tried as hard as i could to get him back under the bed where he belonged. After all, I had always put him there. I knew where it belonged! It was a monster after all-you can't just let those things run around your house. They're are dangerous. So, God saw that i just wasn't getting it. The next day i woke up to him cozied under the blanket with me, wearing a pair of my pijamas! I realized at that point, that hiding the moster wasn't the answer. I sure as heck didn't know what it was though. Then I read in 1st John that the opposite of love isn't hate. Its fear. And I though, I have fear. Fear of a monster- but isn't that a completly rational fear? Then i thought, if I am full of fear...that means I don't have love? Then I realized that I don't love people, not unless they love me. And that just isn't God's way of doing things. Confront my fear, my moster. maybe, just maybe God will be bigger than it. And i won't be afraid of it anymore. And then I will have room in my life to love.
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